Top 10 Resolutions Made by San Franciscans

  1. Give away 99% of wealth to charities. (Alternate choice for ladies: let's give away 75%, because that’s how much we’re paid on the dollar relative to dudes anyway).
  2. Limit Postmates usage to the golden ratio: three orders for every two housemates, per 24hr period. This should sufficiently cover up to two hungover brunches plus one really great, shared pizza linner. (Two brunches graciously allows one for each human, pending previous night’s adventures and subsequent wake-up time).
  3. Don’t date a co-worker at your start-up with the open office floor plan, particularly if their desk is within line of sight. Just don’t fucking do it. (Pro tip: date your roommates’s co-workers).
  4. Stop cheating at dinner parties by bringing burrata and a baguette. God sees your Bi-Rite bag and knows you didn’t do shit.
  5. Practice mindfulness, particularly in on-line dating. Think about your internal monologue as you swipe left and right and mostly (dear god , mostly) left left left: cute, gay, that’s not a real tiger, are you wearing a hat because you’re bald, fuck did I just swipe right because that glass of rosé looks delish? Be aware of these thoughts, acknowledge them, let them drift away like summer fog rolling into Dolores at dusk.
  6. Have less brunch-friends, more brunch. 
  7. Spend more time looking at anything other than your phone: the world around you, the person in front of you, maybe deep into the soul of Karl the Fog. The other is irrelevant. Just get that glowing orb out of your face. (Is modernity the physical manifestation of “Eleanor Rigby”? It feels so).
  8. Don’t eat crackers in bed — your parents were right about this (and perhaps only this). I know it’s not SF-specific, but it’s important, dammit.
  9. Don’t forget to leave the city. Last year I had a friend who looked me dead in the eye and said: I haven’t left the Mission in 7 months. Don’t let this be you. We are not New Yorkers! We leave this damn island.
  10. Last but not least (and this one’s real), give back! Maybe you’ve called San Francisco home for 6 months or 6 years, but think of all it’s given you: late night pizzas at Golden Boy, bad decisions at DNA Lounge, a literal treasure chest of festive festival accoutrements, hazy adventures discovering buffalo and windmills in Golden Gate Park, countless sunny days chasing after truffle man and letting the afternoon melt away. What can you do in return? Find something you love, and share it with this lovely city. Teach kiddies to write at 826 Valencia. Play with puppies at the SPCA. Be nice to people who deserve it. Draw something! Make something. Output.